Sex Jokes......
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Ten Things You'll never hear a man say
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her bre@sts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore -
Ah lau you are everywhere hor?
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Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger! -
huh what everywhere? how come u call me ah lau (hubby)?Originally posted by Hyperion13:Ah lau you are everywhere hor? -
I thought they call you that at KPKB?Originally posted by laurence82:huh what everywhere? how come u call me ah lau (hubby)? 
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
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Originally posted by laurence82:There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
err dont joke abt me la -
gdjokes
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ya..
should make stickly -
Done!Originally posted by CyanSupra:ya..
should make stickly
Service Excellence (n getting laid) is our top piority -
ah lau is like tv mobileOriginally posted by Hyperion13:Ah lau you are everywhere hor? -
Ancient Chinese Torture...
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," says the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man says, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK," the man replies, and enters the house.
Over dinner, the daughter comes down the stairs. She is young and beautiful, with a fantastic body. She is obviously attracted to the young man and can't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering
the old man's warning, he ignores her and goes up to bed alone.
During the night he can bear it no longer and sneaks into her room for a night of passion. He is careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he creeps back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He wakes to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees a large rock on his chest with a note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.". "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thinks.
'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picks the boulder up, walks over to the window and throws the boulder out. As he does,he notices another note on it that reads:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glances down and sees the rope, getting very close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones is better than castration, he jumps out of the
window after the boulder. Plummeting towards the ground, he sees a large sign on the ground that reads, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post." -
Originally posted by laurence82:Ancient Chinese Torture..
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." -
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has met a wonderful girl and is going to be married. He is sure she will be happier since he knows his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers,"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?" -
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES" -
Nun Humor These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" -
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire." -
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Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is
afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he
approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng
said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of
condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will
happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night
makes love with Ah Lian.
Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng
and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom
over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I
stretch it over my piano loh." -
Tarquin the upper class git comes across a beautiful naked woman lying in the forest with her legs spread wide open. Not believing his luck, he approaches her and asks her if she's game. The woman smiles sexily and replies "yes".
So he shoots her. -
A man surveys the women in a nightclub, decides who he thinks is the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. But despite using all his best lines, he gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute" says the woman. "Is that a pet?"
The man smiles. "Yes and he's good at doing tricks too."
"Like what?"
"He eats p ussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you."
Once in the bedroom, the girl strips and puts the frog between her legs.
The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog and finally demands. "Well?''
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says,
"Okay you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time." -
"I'm baffled by your yellow penis," a doctor told his patient.
Does anyone else in your family have this condition?
The concerned fellow shook his head.
"Do you handle chemicals at work?"
"I don't work. I'm unemployed."
"Well, what do you do all day?"
"Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating crips." -
Tommy ran home from school as he could not wait to break his good news.
"Mum, Mum!" he yelled! "I had sex with my geography teacher today!"
"Dad, Dad!" he exclaimed. Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher."
"I'm proud of you son," the father replied to the mother's disbelief.
"I think now your old enough to ride your brother's bike."
Tommy's face dropped in dissapointment.
"I can't. My arse hurts!" -
Driving his car through the woods, an old man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows down and as he winds his window down he can hear the naked lad wailing for his help. After looking around to check he's not falling for some sort of trap, he gets out of his car.
"Oh, thank God!" the naked young man cries. "I hv had a vile day!"
"I can see that," says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip marks on the young man's back. "What on earth happened to you?"
"Well," moans the young man, "I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a bra hitch hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot, two enormous blokes jumped out of the undergrowth, stripped me, tied me up and beat me, stole all my belongings and drove off in my car."
"Oh dear, gorgeous," says the driver, unbuckling his belt."
"It's just not your day, is it?" -